The subtle, trickling raindrops crawl on my skin as I stride through a trail of blue hydrangeas. The railway tracks are separated by a chain-wire fence topped with spikes stretching out towards infinity, negating the pulchritude of the blooming flowers. I clutch my school bag whilst trying to balance my umbrella, there’s no way I’m getting my books wet. The sound of the trains running across the tracks deafens the music in my eyes. I shut my eyes and looked up to the darkened and gloomy clouds, it’s not even evening yet. I climb up the slippery stairs, one step at a time. I have absolutely no idea I’m walking towards to, for I am only here for the sake of avoiding home. There’s no way I’m going back to that filthy house. Never. How many months and years do I have to wait till I’m free? I take a deep breath as I keep climbing the stairs. The stuffy, humid air smell like freshly mown grass. This is making me nauseous. I bend down and holding onto my knees, forcing my saliva down my throat. I was looking down, watching my footsteps the whole time and the moment I look up, a tall, red gate was standing right in front of my eyes, it was the gate to divinity. It reminds me of my childhood.
Years ago when I was still a child, my mother would often bring me to the shrine near our house, which was only a few minutes walk away and she taught me how to offer our gratitude to the gods. As a child, I always wondered how a god would look like. Did they resemble humans like how they were portrayed in movies and comics? I was a kid full of curiosity. Not only my mother was a pious person, my mother was also obsessed with mythologies, stories and tales about gods and shrines. They were my bedtime stories and whenever we visited the shrine my mother would always warn me not to wander around alone or else I would be spirited away by the gods. Thinking back it could have been a tactic for her to keep a close eye on me so I wouldn’t go missing. The tinkling bells coming from the shrine were weirdly soothing and sanative, resembling a sedative which could easily put one to sleep. During summer vacation, the hydrangeas surrounding the shrine outside would bloom exquisitely and I would often play hide and seek with the kids from my neighbourhood who went to the same school as me. That was probably the last time I sincerely felt happy. My life was blithe and colourful like the summer flowers blooming in this hot, humid and merciless weather. My childhood memories are vivid as the moments I spent with my mother in the past flash before my eyes as I stand thoughtlessly in front of the shrine entrance. I bow towards the gate that separates our world from the divine gods. I’m back to my safe space again. There are no other places that can calm me down and make me feel safe except for this holy sanctuary. Suddenly the rain stops pouring and the skies begin to clear up. I walk towards the water fountain to purify myself before step my foot into the heart of the shrine.
I throw a coin into the offering box, clasp my hands and said a little prayer. Dear God, if you are there, save me from this living hell. Free me and bring me to where my mother is. I open my eyes as soon as I finish saying my prayers. There’s no way any of my wishes would come true. None of them did and they never will but still, I keep praying with in hopes that my wish would be granted one day. I close my eyes and listen to summer song sung by the cicadas in the shrine, which reminds me of my mother’s disappearance which happened exactly ten years ago.
It was the end of summer vacation before my new school term started, I was only seven years old then. Unlike other families who would travel to other cities with their kids, my mother and I would remain in our village, simple because we weren’t well-off and could barely get by every day. On one of the summer evenings when my mother was in the kitchen preparing dinner for my seventh birthday, I was scribbling over newspapers with my crayons out of boredom. I was dying to help my mother out in the kitchen but she refused to let me into her territory. She insisted that I should stay out of the kitchen because if I didn’t, I would ruin the excitement and my birthday surprise would no longer be a surprise. The cicadas were chirping loudly during sunset so I went out to the garden to catch them and keep it in a jar so I could show them off to my mother. The hydrangeas in our garden were fully bloomed because of the rainy season. I thought it would be nice to pluck some flowers until a strong gust of wind blew in, sending the summer chime singing loud enough to silence the cicadas. I desperately held onto my jar and covered the lid with my tiny hand. I carried my jar of cicada and walked into the house, and I saw my mother removing her apron hastily as she walked towards the main door. I reached out to her and asked, “Mom, are you going somewhere?”
“I’m going out for a while, dear. Remember not to leave the house by yourself, I will be back soon,” said my mother as she left the house, with her face looking blank.
Being the innocent kid I was, I waited for the entire night for my mother to come home, all by myself. I was too scared to leave the house because my mother told me not to do so. Our small wooden house seemed bigger when mother disappeared and I starved for days until my homeroom teacher came to search for me because I was absent for days from school. Rumours started to circulate and I was sent to an orphanage for the time being until the social workers managed to contact my mother’s closest relative – her younger brother, who lived in Tokyo and later took custody of me. I never knew my mother had a younger sibling because she had never told me about any of her family members before. Some of my neighbours came to visit me out of pity when I was at the orphanage and they brought me my favourite snacks to cheer me up but that didn’t make me less sad or any happier. I couldn’t grasp what had happened as I would still, hopelessly wait for my mother to return, but she never did, even though she promised me that she would. Some witnesses, who last saw her said that they saw her walking towards the shrine near our house and some said she was kidnapped and murdered but her body was nowhere to be found. Nobody knew what had exactly happened to my mother, but a small part of me was convinced that she was spirited away – by the gods who dwelled in the shrine. Without any closure to my mother’s mysterious disappearance, I reluctantly move to Tokyo in the same year during winter when it was near Christmas. I was overwhelmed to see the high-rise buildings and illumination around me.
The day I stepped into my uncle’s home, I knew I didn’t belong there. My uncle’s family was a small one, and it reminded me of my own. His wife welcomed me at first because they were childless and treated me well, but things changed when their firstborn arrived when I was nine. That was when my world turned upside down once again. Just as I thought I found a place where I could finally call home, my relatives started treating me coldly and they would often tell me that an unwanted child like me was the reason why my mother disappeared in the first place. Growing up I’ve always felt guilty and responsible for my mother’s disappearance, but then what could a seven-year-old girl possibly do at that time? I knew it wasn’t my fault at all but what sort of crime did I commit in my past life to deserve such emotional abuse?
My mother’s disappearance is something that I think about every single day. I stroll around the shrine to get rid of my negative emotions as I grab my smartphone to check on the time. It’s half past four in the evening and any high school student like me should be home by now. I walk down the staircase back to the nearest train station, thinking if I should head to a comic book cafe and spend a night there instead. The blue hydrangeas remind me of the night my mother disappear and it resembled the ones that bloomed near the shrine in our village. I miss our home so much that I wish I could escape from this cruel city and drown my sorrows into the rain. The thought of returning to my village jolted me to my senses. What if my mother is actually still out there – alive in the village? That’s it. I should go back to look for her. Why didn’t I think of it during the past few years? No one is stopping me and why should I hesitate any further? It’s not like my relatives will come looking for me even if I were to go missing. No one cares about me after all. I hastily run to the station to take the train to Shinjuku station so I could make it in time for the next bus to Shizuoka, where my village is.
“The next station is Shinjuku. The doors on the right side will open. Please change here for the Odakyu Line, Keio Line, Tokyo Metro Line…”
The announcement in the train catches me off guard as I could barely see the screen while being seated and surrounded by the crowd. I get off in a flash as soon as the doors open. The station is like an entire maze with thousands of people walking in and out the exits during this hectic hour. I tap my card on the ticket gate as I stride out of the building to the bus stop. It feels extra humid with the crowd around me and I’m finding it tougher to breathe now. “Just in time for the next bus,” I whisper to myself and give myself a pat on the back for making it alive in the sea of humans. Minutes later, I hop onto the bus to Shizuoka and I feel thrilled but yet fidgety to what’s to come.
“The last station is Shizuoka. Please watch your step when you get off. We hope to see you again. Thank you.”
The bus stops roaring and I clutch my bag and got off immediately. The skies are now dark and it’s getting late, I have to get to our village this instant. The entire journey feels so long and exhausting, but I know that I’m going to be a step closer to the place where I once called home. I drift off to sleep and by the time I wake up, it is close to eleven at night. I arrive in my village but my chest feels heavy and tears start to fill my eyes. It feels so surreal to be back and nothing has absolutely changed. I look around and the shrine that I used to visit with my mother is standing right in front of my eyes. The hydrangeas are still at full bloom, much to my surprise and they resemble the ones I saw earlier in Tokyo. The smell of the building smells mouldy and the red paint on the gate is chipping off. Weeds surround the entire compound and I’m guessing there’s no one looking after the shrine all these while. The tall trees rustle in the wind, giving me goosebumps as I huddled in the cold. The bitterly cold wind is so strong that I could barely open my eyes.
I slowly reopen my eyes and peek through the sleeves of my uniform. I could see a dark figure hiding behind the trees, gazing upon me and it sends chills to my pine. The peculiar figure feels and looks somewhat familiar to me. Without thinking twice I ramble to where the figure is. A voice whispers into my ears out of nowhere but I can hardly make meaning of what I hear. I’m pretty sure there’s no one around at this hour in this isolated and eerie shrine. At this moment my body feels heavy and my surroundings start to fade and darkness begin to consume me. My consciousness is slowly being robbed away.
The ringing bells echo strongly in my ears. It no longer feels cold but warm and somewhat familiar. I was at the shrine in my village just now and I lost consciousness but I have no idea what knocked me down.
“Wake up”, a dulcet voice of a woman whisper to me.
My eyelids feel heavy and I’m having a hard time trying to grasp hold of the situation. What on earth happened to me at the shrine when I was trying to approach the dark figure? Wait a second, where is this place? How did I end up here? It took me a while to notice that I’m no longer in the shrine but now I’m in a forest in a broad daylight.
“Stand up young girl, our lord is waiting for you”. I look around to look for the voice that has been calling out for me.
Trembling in fear and shock, I can’t seem to bring myself to stand on my own feet. Suddenly a strong force is forced upon me and my body is moving on its own before I knew it. To be honest, at this point, I’m more than horrified. I’m being controlled like a doll and although I attempt to resist, my efforts are futile and now I’m forced to walk in an unknown forest towards someone who the mystical voice calls “our lord”.
“There’s no way I’m getting taken away here,” I mumble to myself as I swallow my tears in dismay.
I arrive in front of an ancient castle, just like the ones I see in my school textbook.
“Lord, I have brought the girl you requested with me”, says the mysterious woman, who has yet to show herself to me.
My vision becomes blurry as the dense, milky fog starts forming around me. The fog slowly takes its form and a fox with nine tails emerges before me.
“What are you…?” I blurt out with a second thought.
“You lowly human, how dare you speak to me like that,” says the fox.
“You are in our lord’s presence, don’t you dare to speak unless you’re allowed to do so,” she continues.
I swallow my words before I could start blurting out nonsense that could harm my life. I came to the village – the shrine to look for my mother and this is what I got myself into. The thought of me losing my life starts to race through my mind, my heart is beating so fast that I could hear my own heartbeat.
“Bring her in,” says a mystical voice coming from the inside of the castle.
The gigantic doors open and the fox orders me to walk into the castle. A bright, luminous light shines upon my face, almost blinding my sight.
A tall, pale woman clad in a white robe, stretching meters stands before me. I look at her in awe.
“Good job, you may now leave”, says the lady in white and the fox takes her leave as instructed who seems to be the ‘lord’ she has been talking about.
The pale lady walks in small, graceful steps towards my direction as she looks down at me. Who is this woman and what is she going to do me? I know that deep inside, I have to do something – something that will at least give me a clue to what has happened to me. It took me the courage to escape but now I’m lost in a castle with seemingly, little human contact. Still, I have to look for my mother.
“E- excuse me, ma’am”, I stutter as my lips continue to tremble in fear but there’s one thing I know for sure, I have to brave up.
The lady in white stops before me.
“I’m looking for my mother… She went missing ten years ago, right at the shrine I was in just now… I’m not sure how I end up here.” I muster up all my courage to speak out again.
“So you’re that woman’s child. You grew up so much,” the lady interrupts my speech.
The woman…? Don’t tell me, this person knows who my mother is…?
“Not only you two look exactly the same, both of you and your act the same way too,” the lady continues as she saunters around me.
“I’m the one who took your mother away, and now I’m taking you with me too. Who would have thought that you’ll end up with the same fate as your mother? Oh well, aren’t you happy that you’ll be together with her now?”
I start to break in cold sweat and I could feel my heart sinking into my stomach.
“It is what you humans call being spirited away, you know? Your mother would come visit my shrine almost every day – and I thought it would be nice to take an ascetic person like her away as a sacrifice. Humans like your mother are loved by gods.”
My mother had always been a pious woman, she believed that if we prayed hard and remained loyal to the gods we would be blessed and live a long, prosperous life. The gods were my mother’s source of happiness and they provided her a sense of security and who would have thought they were watching us all these while to choose the best sacrifice – my mother.
“You mean she’s not here anymore…? She’s no longer alive?”, I question her.
The lady in white let out a deep yawn and utter, “I sent her to my daughter – the underworld god, Izanami. You see, Izanami isn’t an easy one to deal with… When you mess with her she would throw tantrums, creating chaos and nothing could calm her down unless we send down a human sacrifice to her. You humans should be grateful. If it wasn’t for your mother’s sacrifice who knows what could have happened to the world you’re living in. Your mother may no longer exist in flesh – but her spirit is still here. Now you, shall head to the world of darkness as a sacrifice to mankind, just like how your mother did.”
I slap myself on the cheeks hoping that everything is a dream, but unfortunately, it isn’t. So is she trying to say that my mother still exists, as a soul? But what are the possibilities? Questions start to flood into my head as I attempt to process everything that the goddess has said.
“What if I refuse to go with you?” I blurted out thoughtlessly.
“Don’t bother thinking about escaping, you’ve crossed the boundary between the human world and our world the moment you stepped into my shrine. There’s no point of return once you’re spirited away by the gods. But fear not my child, no one would harm you here and you shall no longer suffer. You may cease to exist physically after sacrificing yourself to us, but your spirit shall remain in this realm. This is the place where your spirit truly belongs to. Isn’t that great? You will be reunited with your mother’s as well.” said the goddess as she grins.
It didn’t take her long to convince me that she’s right. Her words begin so sink in, as I begin to reflect on my life. It’s not like there’s a place where I truly belong and return to even if I were to go back to the human world. No matter how hard I tried, there isn’t a single place where I belonged to – a place that I can call home. Why bother hesitating when I have already lost the will and hope to keep living?
“Come with me young one. I’ll end your suffering and bring your peace.” the goddess says.
If this is how I could unite with my mother, there’s nothing for me to be afraid of to sacrifice myself to the gods.
The hydrangeas begin to wilt and the spider lilies burgeon. The goddess places her hand on my head as I stand on my feet, leading me to the gate that leads to the world of darkness – where Izanami lives. As we walk towards the gate, we were greeted by two guards dressed in armour, who look resembled the warriors from ancient times. Any normal human being would fear for their life if they were in my shoes, but to me, everything feels like as if my burdens have been lifted off my shoulders – the burden of living and existing in this cruel world. Slowly I step into the world of no return, erasing my existence from the human world. The moment I entered the gates, a bright, shimmering ball of light emerges, flying towards my direction. It felt weirdly familiar and warm and tears began to roll down my cheeks. I reach out for the light and the warm sensation resembled my mother’s hug, and that is when I knew the light, is indeed my mother’s soul.
END
collection of poems, short stories written by goldfisheyes 